Truth…Beauty…Freedom…Love

for those who might be reading this (wondering what the hell this is all about…),please..don’t ask.i don’t even want to talk about it. how ironic…well at least i just want to let it all out now once and for all.

just when you thought you found some sort of a "silver lining"… you find out that it is not what you thought it seemed to be. i wish i could just turn back the time and forget it ever happened. i wish i could be the cold and heartless determinist that i was…i want to go back and do what i’m good at— sticking to some defense mechanism and pretend that i don’t feel anything. i was ok with that– i created myself a shield to protect me from pain, since no one else would (and i wouldn’t let anyone).no pain could ever make me crumble into pieces again…somehow i think i got things my way. i see what i want to see and i can do what i want to do, but then i realized that i couldn’t feel. i was already numb by the pain. i chose not to feel and there i was…so numb…i chose not to care…i chose not to fight…i chose not to come close so i don’t get burnt once again.

but then i realized that it’ll all just be a lie… i can’t be swallowed by cynicism. now things are just starting to get better…i can’t let it all slip away without even noticing it. and so i let myself out again. i took things a step at a time. i freed myself from being cold and heartless, but i can’t be off guard.then by some twist of fate…you came….just when i thought that things are starting to get better…to be completely honest, you made me feel. i didn’t plan this, i didn’t even want to get near you. i knew it. you’re just some nice guy who might make me fall for something you couldn’t give.damn…not again…well…mr.nice guy….i fell for it…i wish i never got to the point that i wanted to know you better…yeah we became pretty close and i even thought that maybe things won’t turnout like they did this time around. maybe i just deserve to be happy this time around. i wish i never let myself go through all this again..i feel cheated not by people but by the situation…and im starting to believe that this is my reality.

in case you might be reading this…well… now you know…and that is if you give a damn to know it. i wish i never asked and just kept my mouth shut. but what the heck?! you’ll eventually tell me anyway…and now i figured it out…i realized that it hurts just thinking about it. why would it hurt? if you’re really such a genius..you would know that. maybe the next time i see you around, you’d see me as the same person you got to know. maybe.but for now, i’m not gonna act like i never got hurt. i don’t hate you. i hate myself. you’re really nice and i don’ t regret having you as a friend. i just feel that i was deprived of the chance of making you know me better. i guess you’ll never really know. especially when there’s someone else you have in mind.i’m not all fun and laughter.i can’t blame you for having that impression (like everybody has) sometimes you need to dig deep and see beyond appearances. sometimes you need to stay close and learn to listen.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 24th, 2006 at 9:12 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.