Truth…Beauty…Freedom…Love

get out of my life.

don’t even dare to come near me.

you’re already gone.

so don’t come back.

you ruin everything.

yes..you…

not me…

you.

start again…

may mga bagay na akala mo tapos na.mahirap mag-start ng panibago kung madaming unfinished business–kasi magpapabalik-balik ka lang hanggang sa masiguro mong tapos na nga.in my case, may mga naudlot dahil may mga matagal nang "unresolved" na dapat noon pa natapos. kung noon pa sana ako nagka-lakas ng loob para i-resolve na,siguro mas maganda naging kalabasan…pero ok lang, at least ngaun,nagiging sure ako day by day na tapos na talaga un. pwede na magsimula uli.

some things never change.

hindi naman nawawala lahat ng ganun-ganun nalang. may mga bagay na hinayaan mo nang lumampas dahil ang alam mo,hindi pa ganun kahalaga sayo kaya ayos lang. oo naapektuhan ka sa nangyari, pero in the end, hinayaan mo nalang lumipas.wag nalang patulan, alam mo kung ano ang totoong nangyari. pero minsan talaga matatauhan ka nalang at maiisip mo na bakit nga ba kasi nagkaganun? dati ok kayo,tapos biglang wala na. pero ang nakakatuwa dito, minsan nasa utak lang talaga lahat yan.napapraning ka lang kasi talaga.

pick up where u left off.

may natitira parin kahit papaano.naghihintay ka lang ng go signal.at ngaung habang wala pa,wag magmadali pero wag din babagalbagal.ung tama lang para makilala mo kung ano talaga siya at makilala niya kung sino ka talaga.ang madaling naguumpisa,madali ring nagtatapos.

ang mga tao talaga ngayon…they just don’t seem to make up their own minds. ang nakakatawa pa dito, ang tatanda na nila, and yet they still think that THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM… hmmm…well…no offense pero…pwede ba…tantanan na…tigas niyo rin e…hehe…

may pinatatamaan ba ako? oo meron. sino? it doesn’t matter. nagkalat ang mga ganyan sa mundo. una-unahan lang kung kelan mo sila makikilala. ako, parang may nakilala nang ganun…sana hindi sya ganun kasi sayang sya pag nagkataon…first impressions last pa naman.

ba’t ba ako nag-blog??? wala lang…siguro hindi ko na kinaya ang matagal na pananahimik at pagto-torture sa sarili ko.siguro pagod lang talaga ako pero ung isip ko gising na gising pa rin kaya hindi ako makatulog.siguro napipikon nako dahil ako mismo ang nagdesisyon ng hindi ko namamalayan na ilagay ang sarili ko sa ganitong sitwasyon. siguro ito na lang ang paraan ko para ipagsigawan kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa ngayon. siguro naiinis rin naman talaga ako dahil sa dinami ng tao…bakit ikaw pa…bakit siya pa…at bakit ako pa…nananahimik ako tapos bigla nalang nag-iba ang lahat. sa lahat ng ayoko ung nagmumuka akong tanga…kagagawan ko ba talaga kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon….isang linggo mahigit na nga ata akong parang baliw na iiyak, tatawa, malulungkot, manlulumo, tapos matutuwa ulit…

ayoko ng ganito…pero ang hirap baguhin. wala na..andyan ka na talaga..kahit anong pag-iwas pa ang gawin ko, makikita at makikita pa rin kita..at masasaktan lang ako ng masasaktan…ang hirap ng alam mong kahit anong milagro pa ang maganap, wala pa rin talagang malaking pagbabagong mangyayari. malayo at malabo pa rin na may magandang kahinatnan. buti pa ung nasasaktan ka kasi binabarubal ka niya talaga– at least un masasabi mo na masama siya talaga…e hindi e…nasasaktan lang ako dahil parang naging mali lahat…mali ang ipagpatuloy ko to, mali ang sabihing wala naman na talga akong pakialam, mali ang sabihing "hindi, wala na, tapos na, ayoko na kasi talaga…". MALI ANG MAGKUNWARI AT PANINDIGAN NA WALA KA NANG NARARAMDAMAN KAHIT NA ALAM NAMAN NG LAHAT NA HINDI IYON TOTOO.

nakakatawang isipin na nagagawa ko pang tumingin sa mata ng isang tao at ipagkalat na "sus, wala na un…it’s time to move on…" na para bang naisipan ko lang na magpalit ng damit. e kung ung ibang tao nga dyan e…napakadali lang para sa kanila ang gumawa ng kung anu anong desisyon.bahala na kung may masaktan sila. ayun…may nasaktan na nga…hindi lang isa…hindi ko rin naman siya masisi kasi kanya-kanyang dahilan rin yan..tanungin ko man siya kung bakit nya kailangan makasakit ng isang taong bumalik lang ang saya sa buhay dahil sa kanya, e para namang ang laki ng karapatan kong gawin un diba. para namang may matutulong sakin un. nagawa niya na e.malay mo bukas, iba naman ang gawin niya. eto lang naman ang masisiguro ko: ANUMAN ANG GAWIN NIYA NGAYON: WHETHER SHE TAKES HIM BACK OR NOT, SOMEONE’S GONNA GET HURT. ako ba ang taong un? sa ngayon, oo.pwera nalang kung "by some twist of fate" ulit ay may isang tao na namang magbabalak na gumulo sa utak ko.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

i’m not mad or anything. i may sound bitter (this is it…i’m getting real) but that’s what it is. I’M STILL HURTING NO MATTER HOW GOOD I AM AT DENYING IT. i can’t escape the fact that i already fell deeper into ths blackhole. now i know why people nowadays can’t make up their own minds. they can’t even utter the word "love" for endless reasons. Well, for someone who was hurt a long time ago, shattered into pieces by his or her own belief on love and destiny…. it’s hard to love again, but once they finally do, the pain that goes with it is just a gazillion times more difficult to endure. as for myself, i know this is close to what they call "love". unfortunately, loving you won’t be enough. this is getting pointless. i don’t know why i SEEM to love you…you’ve always been the one question i could not find an answer. damn…

for those who might be reading this (wondering what the hell this is all about…),please..don’t ask.i don’t even want to talk about it. how ironic…well at least i just want to let it all out now once and for all.

just when you thought you found some sort of a "silver lining"… you find out that it is not what you thought it seemed to be. i wish i could just turn back the time and forget it ever happened. i wish i could be the cold and heartless determinist that i was…i want to go back and do what i’m good at— sticking to some defense mechanism and pretend that i don’t feel anything. i was ok with that– i created myself a shield to protect me from pain, since no one else would (and i wouldn’t let anyone).no pain could ever make me crumble into pieces again…somehow i think i got things my way. i see what i want to see and i can do what i want to do, but then i realized that i couldn’t feel. i was already numb by the pain. i chose not to feel and there i was…so numb…i chose not to care…i chose not to fight…i chose not to come close so i don’t get burnt once again.

but then i realized that it’ll all just be a lie… i can’t be swallowed by cynicism. now things are just starting to get better…i can’t let it all slip away without even noticing it. and so i let myself out again. i took things a step at a time. i freed myself from being cold and heartless, but i can’t be off guard.then by some twist of fate…you came….just when i thought that things are starting to get better…to be completely honest, you made me feel. i didn’t plan this, i didn’t even want to get near you. i knew it. you’re just some nice guy who might make me fall for something you couldn’t give.damn…not again…well…mr.nice guy….i fell for it…i wish i never got to the point that i wanted to know you better…yeah we became pretty close and i even thought that maybe things won’t turnout like they did this time around. maybe i just deserve to be happy this time around. i wish i never let myself go through all this again..i feel cheated not by people but by the situation…and im starting to believe that this is my reality.

in case you might be reading this…well… now you know…and that is if you give a damn to know it. i wish i never asked and just kept my mouth shut. but what the heck?! you’ll eventually tell me anyway…and now i figured it out…i realized that it hurts just thinking about it. why would it hurt? if you’re really such a genius..you would know that. maybe the next time i see you around, you’d see me as the same person you got to know. maybe.but for now, i’m not gonna act like i never got hurt. i don’t hate you. i hate myself. you’re really nice and i don’ t regret having you as a friend. i just feel that i was deprived of the chance of making you know me better. i guess you’ll never really know. especially when there’s someone else you have in mind.i’m not all fun and laughter.i can’t blame you for having that impression (like everybody has) sometimes you need to dig deep and see beyond appearances. sometimes you need to stay close and learn to listen.

Panu ko ba sisimulan ang lahat ng kabangagan kong ito? Ganito na lang: Sa dinami ng nagustuhan kong tao sa UP Manila (as if namang napakarami nila…) e sa kanya lang ako nagkaganito…di ba ej?!! hehehe. So aun na nga, pinatawag ko pa talaga c ej sa bahay namin sa green pastures (of las pinas) hehe para lang mag-emote ako sa kanya– yes, i think i just poured my heart out that night..e kasi naman ung "Xa" namin ni ej e!!! He’s so nice pero i can’t help being mean to him…defense mechanism lang cguro un…pero bat ganun?!!? it’s taking me over!!!! ayoko pero nagagawa ko talaga magtaray at magkunwari na "e ano naman kung nakita kita ngaun" kahit na alam naman ng lahat na lagi ko na xang inaabangan! Bihira ko na nga lang makita tapos gaganunin ko pa… E kasi naman e!!!! kasalan niya to!!! hindi ko na nga sya pinapansin noon dahil nasa stage ako ng hindi pag-eentertain ng kahit anong possibility of meeting new people..i was isolating myself and holding back on things to aid my recovery from a tragic love story….tapos eto ka….bakit kasi nakausap pa kita!!!!!!!!! dun sa panahon na parang too late na!!!! ayan tuloy….i’m hanging by the moment…kanta ito…you’re too nice….the one that i like to hate and i hate to like….it’s too risky na…it’s starting to scare the hell out of me..bangag na talaga ako ngaun…bahala na…haay ej, sana pag nakita natin xa ulet, hindi naman ako himatayin bigla o kaya biglang itulak ko sya mula 2nd flr…grrr…pero in fairness…lunes nga birthday ko, kelangan natin gawin ang masterplan natin..hehe!!

new schoolyear…finally…nakita ko na rin ung mga friends ko na ang tagal ko na nakita since bakasyon. nung bakasyon, excited ako magpasukan; tapos ngaung eto na…bakit parang hindi ako masaya? dahil ba may mga tao pa rin akong hindi nakikita? o baka naman naubos lang ang energy ko sa pagiging masaya…haay ayoko ng ganito…tapos ang dami ko pang slightly pinagsisisihan…parang nabitin ako sa saya nung last year.lagi naman akong nabibitin sa mga bagay na masaya e…tama nga siguro— some things are just too good to last. dapat alam ko kung kelan natatapos ang isang bagay…para naman i don’t just let things slip away. napansin ko lang…pag may taong ready na magpakita ng good intentions sakin and all, pinapahirapan ko o sini-scare ko away hanggang sa ma-drain ang energy niya sakin.o kaya, pag may isang opportunity para sakin to open up and hopefully become happy whether with someone or with something, hindi ako gumagawa ng tamang move para i workout un.hanggang sa ayun, hintay ako ng hintay ng kung anu anung sign bago ako kumilos tapos biglang wala na pala akong hinihintay.and worse, pag sobrang minalas, wala na ring nag-iintay. i don’t like this trend. what there is is only here and now…and yet i did nothing…

I hate to be boring. I hate it when I find myself stuck with the same routine each and every day. I want to feel the excitement and adventure that change brings. However, change scares me most of the time. I guess it is the part that I can actually see change coming. It is the part when one chapter of your life ends in preparation for the next one. As they say,"In life, every ending is a new beginning." A few weeks ago, a friend of mine left for the States. It was sad since what used to be "the six of us" will now be "the five of us".However, I’m happy about it because my friend can now face bigger opportunities waiting for him.I’m sure he’ll go a long way. By the way, I finally got the closure I have been waiting. After all, it wasn’t just a one-sided thing. Let’s just say, I was right about my instincts. I just needed some confirmation. The attraction ( actually I can’t think of a better term) WAS there but the timing isn’t right. I just feel a little bit sad because I only found out when it’s already no use. I feel different now. Things have changed already. Whatever I saw that day I felt the way I did before are now gone. It’s neither me or him, it is just that– it’s gone. I’m happy now. I see things in a different light I guess… New love? None at the moment, but I’m not closing any doors.

I can now officially drive our car— this is the best part of all. But I’m not taking it to school though, unless I can really, really handle all "kaskaseros" and intense reckless driving especially in Manila. See? this is another change! I can and am allowed to drive!

My mom said that she is planning to accept an assignment abroad. Finally, after a decade of stay here in the country, and since I’ll be graduating soon, she decides to accept any offers abroad. As of now, we are choosing among a few options depending on where we can get a better living, and hopefully, a better opportunity for myself. I also heard that my dad is also gonna be assigned to another country. Basically, there’s a chance I might be left here alone. My mom’s target is to be assigned late this year which means we I’ll be left here with my dad. When the time comes that my dad gets assigned, I guess I’ll live with my grandmother? Now that’s a change (well, not quite, since I lived with her for some time in my childhood). I know this might change my life forever. If I choose to leave the country, I’ll be leaving my friends here and the life I had here. Well, that is life. People come and go. Opportunities knock only once so you better grab it before it’s too late. At least, I can get to travel. But it won’t be permanent. I mean, I’ll still come back here. For now, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just let things happen now and make the most out of it. Life is beautiful.

I’m getting excited about school now. Really… But I am not excited about the toxicity of it. I’m just excited about seeing my friends again, the library, McDonalds, Robinsons Place, new friends,etc.

By the way, Philip, in case you might be reading this, go for the love of your life!!! Haha! Really, I mean it. You might think that she’s kinda out of your league, but don’t you think you can make it an advantage? Let her see the kind of guy I saw in you– The guy who is always there no matter what. Just promise me one thing though: In case you get lucky with your lovelife, and I still don’t, I’ll still bug you with all my love probs and disastrous flirting moves. Way to go dude!— Wasn’t that just too baduy?!?! 

Sabi nila, every driver has his or her own "banggaan and car damaging experience". un ung: "na-matrikulahan ung driver sa pagmamaneho"– which means na nakabangga ka na. kelangan mo raw mabangga kahit once in your life para ka matuto..oh well, marunong naman ako magdrive, un nga lang, hindi pa ko talga pinagddrive officially.so praktis praktis lang…wala pa naman akong nababangga sa tinagal ng pagpapraktis ko sa driving until today…ang liit kasi nung kalye…sa laguna un, sa subd na tinitirahan ng tita ko at mga pinsan ko. so un, mejo muntik ko lang naman banggain ung parang bakod na humaharang pababa sa creek. mejo sumampa na ung car namin paakyat sa bangketa at gusto ko pa raw isagad hanggang umabot kami at bumagsak sa creek. buhay pa naman ako at ung kasama ko sa car.wala naman nasaktan, nakakafreak out lang na nakakatwawa na nakakahiya..nagasgasan ung car namin…wala pa naman dun c papa..kanina lang niya nalaman nung pag-uwi namin..sabi niya, "nabangga ung kotse?!" sabi ko naman, kunyari dedma lang, "oo nga…" alam niya na un na ako ang bumangga nun…eto pa, we found out na hindi lang pala nagasgas ung car, nabasag pa ung "takip" nung ilaw sa harap nung car…grabe this is big time damage na…tapos may gasgas pa pala ung back nung side mirror…bakit nagasgas ung side mirror??kasi nung pabalik na sa tita ko, maliit ung daan tapos ang weird pa ng mga kurba nung daan. hindi balanced!!! bigla nalang may pataas o kaya pababa pala…so aun na nga, pagkabig ko ng manibela, chuk! muntik ko na mabangga ang isang mini van, side mirror lang naman namin ang kumadkad sa kanya noh!dun na kami kinabahan kasi baka habulin kami nung may ari or something, pero hindi yan! go pa rin kami…hindi naman talga siya ang na-damage- an e!GRRRR!!!

Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagaganap sa kin ang mga ganung bagay ngaung mga araw na ito..kahapon naman, tinono ko ung gitara namin sa bahay kasi gusto ko na sana mag-aral mag gitara ngaung bakasyon. ewan ko ba dahil sa tinagal ko nang tinotono un, ngaun lang bumigay ang isang kwerdas nun!!! Shocks talaga! Nabitin ako dun, kelangan ko pa tuloy magpalit ng string…haaaay naku….

Eto pa nga pala ang isa ko pang pagkakaabalahan. A very close friend of mine is leaving…we’re not gonna see him na…pero malay mo after some time, he’ll visit us here, or we can visit him there! I have to preoccupy myself with our "surprise" thingy for him..Personally, I was thinking of giving him something really special…After all, he’s someone really special… I can still remember back in those days…I dreaded the day he’s leaving. When he confirmed that they are really leaving na, I felt weird…Basta, words are not even enough. It felt like I’m losing some part of myself. I wanted to make the most out of everything..I know we can never be… but things went out of control for me.I hid from everyone what I truly felt, pero things still came out and then went out of hand.I never asked what happened, and I never confronted him about things..It ended before it even began, things were very complicated at that time. Now, things have changed and I got the closure I wanted. However, I can’t just forget the truth that once in my life, just before we left high school, I loved someone. Things keep on changing and I am changing as well..However, I just wanted him to know that he was really special..the end..

Finally, I’ve seen Memoirs of a Geisha, Brokeback Mouintain, and Walk the Line… Astig…I love them all…Best films ever nga… Actually kinabahan ako nung una na baka mapangitan ako, kasi minsan kung ano pa ung award winning, un pa ung weird.Oh well, these are just three of the most talked about films the past awards season. madami pa akong di napapanuod…i am such a big movie buff..Brokeback Mountain, love is a force of nature..yeah, nakita ko naman ung point nila dun sa love is a force of nature dun sa film. oo bading sila, at nung panahon na un, sobrang taboo ang sitwasyon nila…matagal ung film, matagal ang pacing, mabagal, sobrang western accent, pero all in all, maganda pa rin…pinakita dito na, kahit cno ka pa, you need somebody to share your love and happiness, and life is too short…

Walk the Line…Cute kasi like ko c reese witherspoon at joaquin phoenix… i never thought they would work as a couple on screen..a basta, lalo ko cla nagustuhan dahil sa movie na ito. ang galing kasi ung astig ung story nung ginampanan nila, c johnny cash at june carter..love story was great– it can happen and hey wait, it really did!i never thought na mae-LSS ako sa mga kanta sa walk the line, if I have the money, I’ll buy the soundtrack!!! A basta panuorin niyo nalang..pero feeling ko isa lang ako sa iilan na makakakaappreciate dun, kasi ewan, usually kasi ganun. i think i’m the only one among my friends who like these stuff..

Memoirs of a Geisha…never compare the film from the novel– as one of my professors once said..pero this time, i can’t help it, kasi it was like you are really reading the novel while you’re seeing the film..may mga tinanggal na ibang details pero i think ok lang un kasi ung essence nung story and the Japanese Geisha custom, nandun parin. Masyadong detailed ung story, makakaganda un kung novel siya, as a film, ok na rin na bawasan ng masayadong details. Wawa rin kasi ung mga may short attention span..hehe…Ang ganda nung film, talgang based from the novel…may konting binago– ung name ng Gion pati ung Minister..pero sus, iilan lang naman e.. So un, ngayong summer, eto lang ang pinagkakaabalahan ko, pati siyempre ung pagpapadagundong ng musika sa loob ng bahay (sayang naman mga cd ko noh!)…dapat mapanuod ko na rin ang Rent!!! Feeling ko isa pa un sa pagkakahibangan ko na movie e…sige un na muna…ciao! 

"Out Of My League"

it’s her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i’m falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she’s all that I see and she’s all that I need
and i’m out of my league once again

it’s a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i’m falling but it’s no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it’s frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i’d rather be here than on land
yes she’s all that i see and she’s all that i need
and i’m out of my league once again

it’s her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i’m falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it’s frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i’d rather be here than on land
yes she’s all that i see and she’s all that i need
and i’m out of my league once again